...At the Strangest Times

My husband has told me a few times how surprised he is at how well I have handled my Mother's death. I am pretty sure that he expected me to be in a fetal position every day for at least a good two years!

That is because my husband knows how very deeply I loved and was close to my Mother. 
I was just telling a dear friend of mine last night how much her Love truly taught me what God's UNconditional Love is like.

To be honest... I'm pretty sure that my Momma went to God right after she reached Heaven and told Him that I was going to need a WHOLE LOT OF HELP dealing with her loss... (and other things!)  I'm pretty surprised at how well I am at cutting off those feelings so that I don't spiral into complete depression. 

I think I've had a little practice with that. Having a son with a disability, when he was brand new and we just found out what his diagnosis was, I had to train myself not to think about what the furture would hold. That was a dark path I could not go down.

But the thing that surprises me, is how my grief will come at times that I LEAST expect it.

A few months ago I was shopping and I walked past the cookies.  There were all these  Pepperidge Farm cookies there.  I walked by them and just had a little chuckle at the fact that my Mother was the most GIVING person I have ever known in my LIFE, but when it would come to sweets, she would completely hoard them. We'd tease her like crazy about that.

After the chuckle, came sobs and tears that I could NOT control as I continued my shopping.  So bittersweet. It was good though to unload some of the grief. I had almost felt guilty that I could not.

Today was another one of those times.  My Momma was one of the MAIN reasons I have survived raising a son with special needs. I would call her with ALL my fears and frustrations and when I COMPLETELY thought I was LOSING MY MIND... she would remind me that I was not, and that I could do it.

Today my son had a surgery.  Not a major one, but he had to be put under anesthesia and that's never a fun thing with a kid like mine. I remember telling my husband that this will be the first surgery she would not be around for and who would I call and update and rely on?  He told me that she would be on the "other" side... taking care of our boy. So we handed our little man off today to the surgery staff and I whispered in his ear... "Say hi to Grandma for me." 

Then as Frank and I were in the waiting room it completely hit me how much I missed her and I just broke loose.  I swear people probably thought I had a child having open heart surgery. But I wasn't crying out of fear for my boy, I was crying because I so desperately missed my Momma! I thank God for my sweet husband who was there for me!

I guess I just sort of realized how ironic it was that my tears and anxiety were not for my son, but for my Momma!  I realized that the reason I was able to sort of breeze through probably our tenth surgery, was because of the strength my Mother passed on to me.  She had such a strength for her children and her husband. Her love was fierce and she gave me hope that I could also be that for my children and husband. My Momma was also a loyal and strong friend to those around her. People trusted her and knew that when she loved you... she LOVED you!

I was writing this blog tonight. I haven't written here for awhile. I think it's to try to avoid my grief, but all of a sudden I got a message from one of my best friends...
Her Mother has terminal cancer. The EXACT kind that my Mother passed from. My dear friend is going to go down a road that I have very recently traveled.

Life is just too much sometimes, isn't it?

I'm thankful for the reminder of who my Momma was.  No matter when it comes.

 

When I spoke at her Memorial Service

My sweet Momma and I on a road trip to visit my niece, Tryst. 
We're sporting our fine hotel amenities
and she's pulling her face back to do the "self facelift" for the picture!
(which, of course I teased her about all weekend!) 
Oh man I love this woman! 

I want to share here, what I shared about my Momma at her Memorial Service. I think it fitting on Valentines Day to do so.  My Momma, LOVED WELL.
Here it is...
******************
If I were going to stand here and tell you ALL the amazing things about my Momma… we would be here all day.  The main thing I will always remember about her is her UN-conditional and self sacrificing LOVE. 

While I was growing up I always knew that no matter how bad I did or how terribly I screwed up (OR EVEN IN MY ADULTHOOD for that matter!), that I would ALWAYS have her Love.

She had that exact same Love for her husband (My Daddy), for every one of her children, for her Grand Children, her Great Grandchildren and her beloved friends. 

Her love was one of the BEST examples I have of the kind of love that Jesus has for me.

From  Romans 8

 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

And Daddy, I just want to say to you (while you’re still here to hear it)  That I am SO THANKFUL for the love that you have given me and all of us.  And I just want you to know how VERY PROUD I am of you for taking such good care of Momma when she was sick. She told me often this summer how much help you were to her and it was sweet to hear the fondness in her voice.  And you were so strong for her in the end. It was beautiful to see your love for her. 
I haven’t just lost my Mother, I’ve lost one of my very best friends.
She was ALWAYS there for me… She was my helper when I went through a very long labor with Holly Elaine and she helped to carry me through so many struggles that we faced with Noah. I couldn’t have done it without her!
Either that or Frank would have had to quit his job! 
She was always there just to chat or giggle on the phone or over a visit. 
I’m going to miss that SO MUCH. 

But I KNOW that I’m going to see my Momma again and already I long for it.   But in the meantime I pray that I make her proud and to be as good a wife that she was to my Daddy and as good of a Momma as she was to me!

From 1 Corinthians 15

What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever.
 But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! 
For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.
 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death has been swallowed up in victory
55 Where, O death, is your victory?
Where O death, where is your sting?”

When the Wind Took her Away

I haven't been able to write here for awhile. We've been busy with treatments and hospitalizations and Hospice and then the passing of our wonderful Mother.

I most certainly plan on adding to this blog with my  memories in the future.  But for today, I'd like to take the time to share some words my oldest sister wrote.  So, we have a guest blogger of sorts. 

I think it is very fitting that the first born of our family was the one who witnessed Momma leaving this earth. It was an unbelievably windy night that night. To be honest, Mom was really having a hard time letting go of her earthly body.  Our Mother was just a fighter. It's who she was. But she also knew that Jesus had a better place for her. 

So from the words of my oldest sister, Eileen Bartig, which have been edited per her approval.
Please read on... 

Mom went to Heaven on Jan 20 at 1:45 am. I was with her. I had usually only stayed until 10, maybe 11pm, but that night I wanted to be there to be sure she would get her meds every 2 hours as I did not want her to go into an agitated state again. Very hard. I wanted her calm and peaceful and the nurse had told us to give her things every 2 hours to help with this. So, I was.

Around 1:00am, I looked at her and she was very grey but still breathing. So, I thought I should pull up a chair and talk to her and I was brushing her hair and then thought that might be pulling too much so I just rubbed her hair and talked to her. She used to offer us pennies as kids to "smooth her hair" she called it.  She LOVED when we would just massage her hair and scalp.


It was super windy outside all night. I said something like “It’s SO windy momma, might be a good night to ride the wind to Heaven?”
And a song came to me. This happens at odd times, so to speak. I call it “The Little Voice.”
But I wasn't sure, and I most certainly didn't feel it at the time.  I knew I needed to sing it though.

Anyway the song goes:

“Here comes Jesus
See Him walking on the water
He’ll raise you up
and He’ll help you to stand.
Here comes Jesus
He’s the master of the waves that role
Here comes Jesus
He’ll make you whole.”
I said something to her like, "He will take you home and He'll make you whole". Then I noticed she wasn’t breathing or moving. I tried to feel the pulse in her neck and something twitched, so I thought she was still alive. I looked again and her chest was not moving. I tried the neck again and it was still.  Momma had left this earth.


I started crying just a little, not like on other days or times. Dad was awake and in the kitchen, so I waited and watched mom a little longer to make sure before I called him. I said something like, “I think mom is not breathing. I think she went Home.” Dad said, “Oh honey, oh honey!”. I could tell he was saying this to both Mom and me! He came in the room and we just hugged.  He said something like “This feels easier than some other times we’ve had."  I said, "Look how windy it is. Her soul is riding on the wind. She always liked those wild, windy days.” 

I called the nurse and the rest of my family. I was able to start some of the preparations since I had been a Nurses' Aide years ago. My sister Maxeen and her husband Mark came over to help to clean Momma and wait for the proper people to come help us with the rest. While we waited, Maxeen and I dressed Mom in some nice silky pajamas that she liked. We knew the people who came to get her would be able to do this, but there was something about doing it together for her.
I think she would have liked that.

When I spoke to my sister Christeen later, she told me how she heard the answering machine message in the middle of the night. She told her husband to listen at that moment, and how that crazy wind that had been blowing all evening had completely stopped. I sang the song for Christeen that I had sung to Mom. The feelings that I lacked at the time as I sang it for Mom finally came to me. I like when I can believe things AND feel them at the same time. It doesn't always happen this way.

I thought of some new lines I would like to add to that beautiful song;
Here comes Jesus
He's a riding on that wild wind
He's scooping you up
and taking you home.

Here comes Jesus
He knows you love that kind of wind
And now you're home

We love you Momma
Now you're Home and Whole
So wait and watch over us
We'll see you soon.

http://www.hymnary.org/hymn/HHOF1980/155