My husband has told me a few times how surprised he is at how well I have handled my Mother's death. I am pretty sure that he expected me to be in a fetal position every day for at least a good two years!
That is because my husband knows how very deeply I loved and was close to my Mother.
I was just telling a dear friend of mine last night how much her Love truly taught me what God's UNconditional Love is like.
To be honest... I'm pretty sure that my Momma went to God right after she reached Heaven and told Him that I was going to need a WHOLE LOT OF HELP dealing with her loss... (and other things!) I'm pretty surprised at how well I am at cutting off those feelings so that I don't spiral into complete depression.
I think I've had a little practice with that. Having a son with a disability, when he was brand new and we just found out what his diagnosis was, I had to train myself not to think about what the furture would hold. That was a dark path I could not go down.
But the thing that surprises me, is how my grief will come at times that I LEAST expect it.
A few months ago I was shopping and I walked past the cookies. There were all these Pepperidge Farm cookies there. I walked by them and just had a little chuckle at the fact that my Mother was the most GIVING person I have ever known in my LIFE, but when it would come to sweets, she would completely hoard them. We'd tease her like crazy about that.
After the chuckle, came sobs and tears that I could NOT control as I continued my shopping. So bittersweet. It was good though to unload some of the grief. I had almost felt guilty that I could not.
Today was another one of those times. My Momma was one of the MAIN reasons I have survived raising a son with special needs. I would call her with ALL my fears and frustrations and when I COMPLETELY thought I was LOSING MY MIND... she would remind me that I was not, and that I could do it.
Today my son had a surgery. Not a major one, but he had to be put under anesthesia and that's never a fun thing with a kid like mine. I remember telling my husband that this will be the first surgery she would not be around for and who would I call and update and rely on? He told me that she would be on the "other" side... taking care of our boy. So we handed our little man off today to the surgery staff and I whispered in his ear... "Say hi to Grandma for me."
Then as Frank and I were in the waiting room it completely hit me how much I missed her and I just broke loose. I swear people probably thought I had a child having open heart surgery. But I wasn't crying out of fear for my boy, I was crying because I so desperately missed my Momma! I thank God for my sweet husband who was there for me!
I guess I just sort of realized how ironic it was that my tears and anxiety were not for my son, but for my Momma! I realized that the reason I was able to sort of breeze through probably our tenth surgery, was because of the strength my Mother passed on to me. She had such a strength for her children and her husband. Her love was fierce and she gave me hope that I could also be that for my children and husband. My Momma was also a loyal and strong friend to those around her. People trusted her and knew that when she loved you... she LOVED you!
I was writing this blog tonight. I haven't written here for awhile. I think it's to try to avoid my grief, but all of a sudden I got a message from one of my best friends...
Her Mother has terminal cancer. The EXACT kind that my Mother passed from. My dear friend is going to go down a road that I have very recently traveled.
Life is just too much sometimes, isn't it?
I'm thankful for the reminder of who my Momma was. No matter when it comes.
