On My Birthday

Helping Momma with some seedlings.

Momma had a way of making my birthday very special.  She had a way of making lots of things special. Like how she would tell me all the time that I was the most "beautifulest" girl of all the girls my age, or the best singer or actress or the smartest!  I KNEW she didn't know what she was talking about... but at the same time, there was this part deep inside of me that wanted to believe it. I KNOW that SHE believed it!! All her children were that to her. Special.

When I was little she would make special notes and hang them all over and sing to me all day and call me her "Birthday Baby" and not let me forget that it was my special day.  I got to choose whatever I wanted to eat.  It would usuaully be Tomato Soup with Egg Salad Sandwiches! She would stop at a certain time of day and say... "Ohhhh at this time we were leaving for the hospital!"  or "Ohhhhh, at this time I was trying to talk on the phone to your sisters and brother while I was in labor and Granny kept hanging up on me when I'd get a contraction! Then I'd have to call back!"  On my birthday and every day, my Momma made me feel that she was very glad that she brought me into the world.

When I grew older, this routine really didn't change that much!  She would still call and her and Daddy would sing happy birthday to me. Then she would call me thoughout the day and tell me what she would have been doing about that time however many years ago.  I'm sure she would have made me Tomato Soup with Egg Salad Sandwiches if I had wanted to come over for that! But I had a wonderful man who would take me out for steak and lobster... so Momma was off the hook! 

Then there was my birthday last year.  Momma was in the final stages of her battle with cancer. We were taking shifts watching her. I didn't have a "shift" that day, but I remember coming over to the house. She was pretty out of it and didn't remember at all that it was my birthday. I was SO BLESSED with wonderful friends who really made my birthday extra special that year and was so thankful for all the love and kindness while facing the loss of my Momma.

I had a "shift" to watch her the next night. I did all her nightly meds and routines and she finally fell asleep.  She had a few times where she was slightly lucid and during the night she woke up and she pointed for me to go get her silver box from her closet.  She had me open it and struggled with envelopes with money in them... she pulled out a bill and gave it to me. "You think I forgot huh?" Then she immediately went back to sleep. I just sobbed and hung onto her. It was so awful and so sad and yet so beautiful and such a picture of who my wonderful Mother was.  She was the wonderful, amazing and strong woman who brought me into the world... who loved me with such a love that I will never recover from it.

So now I shed some tears and I wrote down my thoughts and I'm going to enjoy the rest of "my" day. Thanking God for the love I have been given, the love I have today and the people who make me feel wonderful on my birthday and all the time!

Oh, and my Daddy called today and sang me happy birthday! It was just as special as when the two of them would call and sing it together... maybe even a bit more...



 

...At the Strangest Times

My husband has told me a few times how surprised he is at how well I have handled my Mother's death. I am pretty sure that he expected me to be in a fetal position every day for at least a good two years!

That is because my husband knows how very deeply I loved and was close to my Mother. 
I was just telling a dear friend of mine last night how much her Love truly taught me what God's UNconditional Love is like.

To be honest... I'm pretty sure that my Momma went to God right after she reached Heaven and told Him that I was going to need a WHOLE LOT OF HELP dealing with her loss... (and other things!)  I'm pretty surprised at how well I am at cutting off those feelings so that I don't spiral into complete depression. 

I think I've had a little practice with that. Having a son with a disability, when he was brand new and we just found out what his diagnosis was, I had to train myself not to think about what the furture would hold. That was a dark path I could not go down.

But the thing that surprises me, is how my grief will come at times that I LEAST expect it.

A few months ago I was shopping and I walked past the cookies.  There were all these  Pepperidge Farm cookies there.  I walked by them and just had a little chuckle at the fact that my Mother was the most GIVING person I have ever known in my LIFE, but when it would come to sweets, she would completely hoard them. We'd tease her like crazy about that.

After the chuckle, came sobs and tears that I could NOT control as I continued my shopping.  So bittersweet. It was good though to unload some of the grief. I had almost felt guilty that I could not.

Today was another one of those times.  My Momma was one of the MAIN reasons I have survived raising a son with special needs. I would call her with ALL my fears and frustrations and when I COMPLETELY thought I was LOSING MY MIND... she would remind me that I was not, and that I could do it.

Today my son had a surgery.  Not a major one, but he had to be put under anesthesia and that's never a fun thing with a kid like mine. I remember telling my husband that this will be the first surgery she would not be around for and who would I call and update and rely on?  He told me that she would be on the "other" side... taking care of our boy. So we handed our little man off today to the surgery staff and I whispered in his ear... "Say hi to Grandma for me." 

Then as Frank and I were in the waiting room it completely hit me how much I missed her and I just broke loose.  I swear people probably thought I had a child having open heart surgery. But I wasn't crying out of fear for my boy, I was crying because I so desperately missed my Momma! I thank God for my sweet husband who was there for me!

I guess I just sort of realized how ironic it was that my tears and anxiety were not for my son, but for my Momma!  I realized that the reason I was able to sort of breeze through probably our tenth surgery, was because of the strength my Mother passed on to me.  She had such a strength for her children and her husband. Her love was fierce and she gave me hope that I could also be that for my children and husband. My Momma was also a loyal and strong friend to those around her. People trusted her and knew that when she loved you... she LOVED you!

I was writing this blog tonight. I haven't written here for awhile. I think it's to try to avoid my grief, but all of a sudden I got a message from one of my best friends...
Her Mother has terminal cancer. The EXACT kind that my Mother passed from. My dear friend is going to go down a road that I have very recently traveled.

Life is just too much sometimes, isn't it?

I'm thankful for the reminder of who my Momma was.  No matter when it comes.

 

When I spoke at her Memorial Service

My sweet Momma and I on a road trip to visit my niece, Tryst. 
We're sporting our fine hotel amenities
and she's pulling her face back to do the "self facelift" for the picture!
(which, of course I teased her about all weekend!) 
Oh man I love this woman! 

I want to share here, what I shared about my Momma at her Memorial Service. I think it fitting on Valentines Day to do so.  My Momma, LOVED WELL.
Here it is...
******************
If I were going to stand here and tell you ALL the amazing things about my Momma… we would be here all day.  The main thing I will always remember about her is her UN-conditional and self sacrificing LOVE. 

While I was growing up I always knew that no matter how bad I did or how terribly I screwed up (OR EVEN IN MY ADULTHOOD for that matter!), that I would ALWAYS have her Love.

She had that exact same Love for her husband (My Daddy), for every one of her children, for her Grand Children, her Great Grandchildren and her beloved friends. 

Her love was one of the BEST examples I have of the kind of love that Jesus has for me.

From  Romans 8

 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

And Daddy, I just want to say to you (while you’re still here to hear it)  That I am SO THANKFUL for the love that you have given me and all of us.  And I just want you to know how VERY PROUD I am of you for taking such good care of Momma when she was sick. She told me often this summer how much help you were to her and it was sweet to hear the fondness in her voice.  And you were so strong for her in the end. It was beautiful to see your love for her. 
I haven’t just lost my Mother, I’ve lost one of my very best friends.
She was ALWAYS there for me… She was my helper when I went through a very long labor with Holly Elaine and she helped to carry me through so many struggles that we faced with Noah. I couldn’t have done it without her!
Either that or Frank would have had to quit his job! 
She was always there just to chat or giggle on the phone or over a visit. 
I’m going to miss that SO MUCH. 

But I KNOW that I’m going to see my Momma again and already I long for it.   But in the meantime I pray that I make her proud and to be as good a wife that she was to my Daddy and as good of a Momma as she was to me!

From 1 Corinthians 15

What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever.
 But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! 
For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.
 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death has been swallowed up in victory
55 Where, O death, is your victory?
Where O death, where is your sting?”

When the Wind Took her Away

I haven't been able to write here for awhile. We've been busy with treatments and hospitalizations and Hospice and then the passing of our wonderful Mother.

I most certainly plan on adding to this blog with my  memories in the future.  But for today, I'd like to take the time to share some words my oldest sister wrote.  So, we have a guest blogger of sorts. 

I think it is very fitting that the first born of our family was the one who witnessed Momma leaving this earth. It was an unbelievably windy night that night. To be honest, Mom was really having a hard time letting go of her earthly body.  Our Mother was just a fighter. It's who she was. But she also knew that Jesus had a better place for her. 

So from the words of my oldest sister, Eileen Bartig, which have been edited per her approval.
Please read on... 

Mom went to Heaven on Jan 20 at 1:45 am. I was with her. I had usually only stayed until 10, maybe 11pm, but that night I wanted to be there to be sure she would get her meds every 2 hours as I did not want her to go into an agitated state again. Very hard. I wanted her calm and peaceful and the nurse had told us to give her things every 2 hours to help with this. So, I was.

Around 1:00am, I looked at her and she was very grey but still breathing. So, I thought I should pull up a chair and talk to her and I was brushing her hair and then thought that might be pulling too much so I just rubbed her hair and talked to her. She used to offer us pennies as kids to "smooth her hair" she called it.  She LOVED when we would just massage her hair and scalp.


It was super windy outside all night. I said something like “It’s SO windy momma, might be a good night to ride the wind to Heaven?”
And a song came to me. This happens at odd times, so to speak. I call it “The Little Voice.”
But I wasn't sure, and I most certainly didn't feel it at the time.  I knew I needed to sing it though.

Anyway the song goes:

“Here comes Jesus
See Him walking on the water
He’ll raise you up
and He’ll help you to stand.
Here comes Jesus
He’s the master of the waves that role
Here comes Jesus
He’ll make you whole.”
I said something to her like, "He will take you home and He'll make you whole". Then I noticed she wasn’t breathing or moving. I tried to feel the pulse in her neck and something twitched, so I thought she was still alive. I looked again and her chest was not moving. I tried the neck again and it was still.  Momma had left this earth.


I started crying just a little, not like on other days or times. Dad was awake and in the kitchen, so I waited and watched mom a little longer to make sure before I called him. I said something like, “I think mom is not breathing. I think she went Home.” Dad said, “Oh honey, oh honey!”. I could tell he was saying this to both Mom and me! He came in the room and we just hugged.  He said something like “This feels easier than some other times we’ve had."  I said, "Look how windy it is. Her soul is riding on the wind. She always liked those wild, windy days.” 

I called the nurse and the rest of my family. I was able to start some of the preparations since I had been a Nurses' Aide years ago. My sister Maxeen and her husband Mark came over to help to clean Momma and wait for the proper people to come help us with the rest. While we waited, Maxeen and I dressed Mom in some nice silky pajamas that she liked. We knew the people who came to get her would be able to do this, but there was something about doing it together for her.
I think she would have liked that.

When I spoke to my sister Christeen later, she told me how she heard the answering machine message in the middle of the night. She told her husband to listen at that moment, and how that crazy wind that had been blowing all evening had completely stopped. I sang the song for Christeen that I had sung to Mom. The feelings that I lacked at the time as I sang it for Mom finally came to me. I like when I can believe things AND feel them at the same time. It doesn't always happen this way.

I thought of some new lines I would like to add to that beautiful song;
Here comes Jesus
He's a riding on that wild wind
He's scooping you up
and taking you home.

Here comes Jesus
He knows you love that kind of wind
And now you're home

We love you Momma
Now you're Home and Whole
So wait and watch over us
We'll see you soon.

http://www.hymnary.org/hymn/HHOF1980/155



 

...with my Daddy

Most women my age compare their relationships to their parent's. Usually NOT in a good way.  My parents are no exception.  Theirs is indeed a "generational" type of marriage. The communication really didn't happen... She did all the cleaning, cooking, washing, diaper changing, etc... etc...  I actually believe, it's what helped all us sisters in my family to get such "hands on" husbands! I won't spend time listing all the negative ways that has manifested because if your parents were married in the 50's...you probably KNOW.

The thing that amazes me though, is how well it works for them!
I guess when you're married for 57 years you get a pretty good system!  A couple years ago, my dad had a heart attack in the doctor's office while getting a checkup for some issues he was having with his heart.  It resulted in him having major heart surgery.  During his recovery, my Mom and he had such an interesting way of relating. They were indeed a TEAM.  The amazing tenderness they have for each other showed in ways I had not seen ever before. It was like seeing the two of them in an entirely different light. There was this unspoken language. She took care of him, she was THERE for him. 

My Momma has been "there" for my Daddy for a long time.  My Dad left the "rat race" of Milwaukee and a "stable job" to move to the country and start a small grocery store in a little town. That didn't last long and money was always hard to come by. It wasn't until I was older that my dad landed a job as Ronald McDonald. Yes, I'm serious. That was when we actually knew what it was like to not worry about money.  You can guess who he hired to be his assistant.  Yes, my Momma was there for him and for us, for richer or for poorer! I asked her once why she followed him and was willing to give up everything.  She told me that, she always loved the country too and was glad to get out of the city. It was that simple.  He went, she followed and made the best of it. My Momma knows how to make the best of it!   I often wonder how different our lives would have been if my Dad didn't become a "Hippy" and move to Amherst Junction.  Would we have such an interesting family and such love for each other if we stayed in Milwaukee??  How different would it be? 

Another thing I appreciated about my parents was that no matter how much they would argue or get on each others' nerves, they were LOYAL to each other.  If anyone tried to take down my Mom or Dad the other would be there to defend. Only my Mom could say bad things about my Dad... and only my Dad could pick on my Mom!  No. one. else.   They taught that loyalty to us I think.  I don't care HOW MUCH my siblings may drive me crazy... if you take down one of my sisters or my brother OR their kids... you take down ME and you better watch out!

We have ALWAYS said that we PRAY that Dad would go before Mom. We almost thought that would happen last year with Dad's heart surgery!  We could not imagine what our Dad would do without her! Lately, with Mom's pain, my Dad has been the picture of Suzie Homemaker.  Cooking, cleaning, back rubs for his bride, getting ice and checking on her in the middle of the night, doing the wash...  My Momma was teasing him that he will make a great husband for someone when she passes on.  Yup,  they TEASE!  My parents are funny!

I remember the laughter and the private jokes between them.  The way that my Dad would reach over in our Volkswagen Van and squeeze my Mom's knee because she was SO ticklish there. "FRANK! Cut it out!!!"  I remember their pet names for each other "Darling", "Dearest Darling", "Darling Dearest" and "Darling Darling". Don't ask me how THAT got started.  I think it had something to do with the TV show "Hart to Hart".... My Mom would say my Dad looked like Robert Mitchum.  I KNOW my Daddy realized he landed himself a KNOCKOUT! My Momma is a HOTTIE hands down. 

The way my Momma is with my Daddy taught me to love wholly and NO. MATTER. WHAT. 
I'm very thankful for that. Because it's worth it in the end. 
I will always remember my Momma with my Daddy and smile.
They are a couple that are loved and respected by many.

      



   

....at Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is usually a time of food and family and laughter and thankfulness.  Our family's Thanksgiving is no exception.  My parents are the picture of hospitality, so pretty much every Thanksgiving was blessed with extra guests.  My Dad's old weight lifting buddy from Milwaukee, who moved to this area as well, would join us with his lovely family.  The Grandchildren as they grew older would bring their various dates or friends from high school who perhaps they thought could really use a dose of our family. There would be relatives from the other sides of the family that would join us as well. 
My Momma may not have always had matching chairs,  plates, glasses or silverware... but she ALWAYS had room.

I remember being young and all the preparation. The house would smell like bleach and pine-sol the week before. The excitement of company coming over! Then the smell of delicious pies and heavenly food. I LOVED the leftover pudding from the pies. My Momma makes the best pie crust! Oh man I'm hungry!!  I think my very favorite memory is how she would make the turkey dance! This HUGE turkey, she would grab him by the wings and make him do a little dance on the cutting board for me. (I made her do it last year!)  We would pull out the "good" silverware, back when there weren't over 30 of us! I remember it was my job to get out the old fancy box and wipe off each piece and set the table. I'm the baby of five... I got the easy jobs. To this day my Mom makes me bring... "milk" to the dinner!  That's going to change, we're having it at my sisters' this year. Oh well at least I "milked" it into my forties! Pun intended.

The smells of Thanksgiving always take me back to being young, and fortunately, always bring me back to wonderful memories. It was my Momma who set the tone for our Holidays. Thanksgiving was no exception. She did it right! She loves to cook and she loves to laugh and she loves to have family and friends close by.  My Mom is a night-owl and so are all five of us kids I believe... We always would stay up late into the evening and play games and talk and laugh.  A night to put aside all the chaos that happens in big families.  We had PLENTY of chaos in ours! But we had plenty of Love too.  My Momma always served that up in plentiful helpings!  


   

...When she was diagnosed with cancer

It was a Friday night when I received the phone call from my Daddy.  I had lots of plans for the weekend.  I was going to meet a Facebook friend in person all the way from California and she was to spend the night at our house. Two of my girlfriends were also coming over to meet her and do some sushi and hot tubbing. We had plans to have two couples come for dinner on Saturday and watch the new Madea movie. It was a weekend to look forward to!!
You never realize how much your life can change in an instant.

"Chrissy, we're back from the doctor... it's not good news."    My Dad could barely get out the information.  They had been in Appleton all day having tests done and waiting for results.  "The doctor told her it's cancer."  At that moment, I honestly wanted to ask if he was joking!  I restrained myself from bursting out with the question.  Dad gave me what details he could. Indeed it was NOT good news. I asked him if I could call anyone else and he told me to go ahead and call some of my siblings that did not know yet.

I have always had this weird thing where I just don't know how to react to bad news.  It's like it has to sink in on it's own time.  Right away selfish or bizarre thoughts will flood into my head which only makes me more confused and frustrated. I wished I knew more or could  have talked to my Momma. I didn't feel like I should ask to talk with her since Daddy was the one who called me. My sister, Doreen, lives in Appleton and she knew more of the information but I couldn't get a hold of her. I shared the terrible news with Frank and Holly.  Holly said later that she couldn't cry because she didn't know how to feel.  It was nice to be able to tell her I knew exactly how she felt and it was OKAY.   

After an hour or so when I was finally able to cry, it wouldn't stop. I didn't know how I was going to have company in the midst of this chaos. I had a lot more to do to prepare for my guests coming that evening. I couldn't even think. I felt so helpless. I just wanted MY MOMMA! I decided that I was just going to drive over and see her! I didn't want to call and ask if it was okay, I just went.
I HAD to see her.

It was about 6:30pm when I got there and the house was completely dark.  My Dad is notorious for going to bed very early and I figured my Momma was probably sleeping as well after such an exhausting day. I tried the door and it was locked. I turned away and just started sobbing. I felt as though I had lost her right then and there. I got back in my car and was going to drive home once I had composed myself.  Something whispered in my ear... "call her". 
So I did. 

My Momma answered the phone right away and sounded like her normal self.  "Momma, I'm outside your house, can I come in??"  I said through tears. "Of course Chrissy, I'll be right there."  She unlocked the door and then realized that the screen door was also locked.  "I think your Daddy doesn't want me to escape," she said with a giggle.
THAT, was my Momma.  Not this image I had in my head all evening but the person who will always be my Momma no matter what happens. I hugged her and sobbed.  Then we sat at the table and I kissed her hands and cried tears on her and we talked.

We talked about it all.  I so appreciate that my family is the kind that WILL talk about the "elephant in the room". We will talk about it, joke about it and sometimes we'll even kick it!
She told me that she had been is so much pain recently that she finally told Jesus, "I'm ready to go Lord!".
She looked at me and said, "I guess He took me at my word."  I asked her that if there was any way possible, if she would watch over Noah after she moves on. 
"Oh you better believe it!" She said. 

What I will remember about my Momma is how she was always approachable when we were hurting, no matter what. She always put us first. If we were heartbroken, SHE was heartbroken and would do whatever she could to take it away. That night was no exception.  I felt so selfish breaking down on her like that after the horrible news she just received. She reassured me that it was okay.  She said my sister Maxeen was just there and did the same thing and felt the same way! I had to laugh.  My Momma would always be strong for her kids.

My sister Eileen came over to visit too! More giggles, more good times, more Love. I left that night with a little more hope in my heart. I was able to have a nice time with my friends that evening and throughout the weekend plans.   

I want to be strong like my Momma.  I want to be strong for my kids, and I want to be strong for my parents too!
I'm so very glad that being strong does not mean that you can't cry in front of people that you love. People who, when they are gone, you will miss with every fiber of your being.